PSYCHIC SASQUATCH

We’re all familiar with Bigfoot, arent we? Some of us have even been kidnapped by him and forced into degrading sexual acts over and over again. What you may not not have realised, however, is that Bigfoot is not just an elusive, shambling animal and smelly, insatiable sex machine but rather a sophisticated humanoid environmental activist with psychic abilities and a direct connection to extraterrestrials. They also have the ability to move between dimensions. No wonder they are so hard to catch. 

Don’t just take our word for it, however. Jack “Kewaunee” Lapseritis has been researching Bigfoot for almost sixty years and come to some very interesting conclusions, not least that Bigfoot is working on behalf of friendly aliens to prepare humankind for massive environmental changes that are going to fundamentally alter the way we live our lives from now on. Without wishing to cock a snook, we have to question how well that campaign is going. 

Anyway, Lapseritis has written several books about his reality, including the brilliantly titled ‘Psychic Sasquatch’. Again, some clarification to its veracity may be needed: 

 “Once in a while a book comes along of such magnitude that it brings about a new look at what exists out there besides ourselves. This book will certainly bring forth thought-provoking concepts to contribute to a positive human transformation.” 

Dick Robinson, Originator of “Grizzly Adams” 

So, there you go, skeptics, the Grizzly Adams guy likes it - and there's an afterword by a gentleman called Standing Elk if further proof were needed. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we have a psychic conference call with a hairy old flame in ten minutes.

HOMINID, SWEET HOMINID

So, here’s a book that promises the ‘true facts’ (are there any other kind?) about Giant Apemen on its front, then talks about ‘King Kong’s Ancestors’ on the back. It’s a shame, because it’s quite a thoughtful and considered bit of work.

The general argument for these hairy throwbacks is that the world is a strange and mysterious place, and there are strange and mysterious areas in which strange and mysterious creatures could live without ever being discovered. In fact, if these hairy hominids weren’t so bloody careless about planting their massive plates of meat all over the place, we’d probably not even suspect their existence.

Cacqueta.

Carnivorous.

Christ on a bike!

After all, new species are being ‘discovered’ all the time. In 2010, there was the Cacqueta Monkey, a tiny ginger bearded primate that purrs like a cat. Last year, after decades of speculation, the Carnivorous Olinguito, a sort of killer raccoon, finally made its way into the encyclopedia. There’s even a Yeti Crab, an unholy hybrid of crustacean and gonk which, ten years ago, didn’t even feature in zoologists' dreams.  

So - do TOMTIT believe in the Yeti, Sasquatch and other giant missing link species? Well, yeah, of course. It’s a strange and mysterious world, after all, and some of us (Fearlono) have a bit of a history with them. 

MORLOCK AND ROLL

H.G Wells’ ‘The Time Machine’ is one of the greatest stories ever told, but, if it has one failing, it’s that it is just not groovy enough, an omission that the 1974 paperback edition seeks to rectify.

The book is fascinating from start to finish but, for us, the most interesting element is provided by the Morlocks, the brutish, blue skinned, light fearing, troglodyte like cave dwelling creatures who are what the working classes have evolved into 802,701 AD.

Despite looking like Boris Johnson, The Morlocks serve the upper classes (in the form of the beautiful but mindless Eloi) but there’s a twist: the masters have become livestock, and The Morlocks keep them fit and fed in order to ensure that they always have something to throw on the barbecue. Now that’s Class War.    

TELLYOGRAPHY

We still take photographs of Dr. Who from off the telly, even though technology has made this largely redundant nowadays. This is why these photographs have a pleasingly analogue rough and readiness to them, and also why Fearlono's lamp appears over John Woodnut's left ear.

NATIONAL TRYST

An informative map of Stonehenge, taken from the 'Piccolo Good Megalith Guide' (1976).

We hope our readers enjoy a happy - and safe - Vernal Equinox this year. Remember to keep your pets outdoors tonight, and any red coloured children's toys must be broken before Sunrise. Our Grandmother always kept a slice of custard apple clenched tightly beneath her apron to mark this day, ready for eating on the 1st of May.

LUCID DRONING

TOMTIT are now fulfilling our primary function: to make stuff. The first stuff we have made is an incredibly useful, deeply healing self- help audio exercise which is now available to download through our Bandcamp site for free, and you literally and figuratively can’t get cheaper than that.

We take absolutely no responsibility for any loss of hearing, consciousness, marbles or bladder control as a result of listening to this recording.  Any therapeutic value is deliberate and we invented and retain all rights to whatever it is that is working for you.

We will now take a short break to let it all sink in, but your comments are very welcome.