OOMAIPAIDUM!

Dry your eyes, friends. We have returned to you.

But just where have we been?

We've been on a major scientific expedition, seeking the power to immobilize all creatures within the sound of our voice.

The search was a total success, and we'd like to share the results with you. Once mastered, repeating a simple, ancient phrase will allow any individual to commit a multitude of crimes and/or sexual misdemeanors.

On our travels we discovered a series of mystic engravings, each revealing the secret of immobilization. So we took charcoal rubbings and coloured them in on the way home.

Our findings are reproduced below..

Yes, it really is that easy. So have fun, don't get caught, and don't make the following mistake or you're fucked:

Snakes! Why did it have to be snakes? 

THE TERRIFYING AND UNKNOWABLE FACES OF PREHISTORY

Number Two & Three:

Riace Bronzes

(Greece) circa 460-430 BC

THE TERRIFYING AND UNKNOWABLE FACES OF PRE-HISTORY

Number One:

Priest King of Mohengo-Daro (Pakistan)

circa 2,500 BC.

SLIPPING AWAY

These are Slipper Coffins. They are what Ancient Egyptians on a medium sized budget used to bury their loved ones - it is believed the poor ones just used a ditch. Basically a human being sized pot with a hole at the top, the corpse was simply 'slipped' into the receptacle which was then plugged by a lid featuring an often crude likeness of the deceased.

Our favourite is the bottom one, which is the post mortem equivalent of a really shit passport photo - and this one has been embarrassing this poor spirit for about 3,500 years so far.

NATIONAL TRYST

An informative map of Stonehenge, taken from the 'Piccolo Good Megalith Guide' (1976).

We hope our readers enjoy a happy - and safe - Vernal Equinox this year. Remember to keep your pets outdoors tonight, and any red coloured children's toys must be broken before Sunrise. Our Grandmother always kept a slice of custard apple clenched tightly beneath her apron to mark this day, ready for eating on the 1st of May.

NOT WITHOUT TRACE

Ancient Civilisations were savage, terrifying things, weren't they? In fact, we're sometimes GLAD they were lost.

Take this imposing gateway in Crete, for instance. These stone horns surmounted the palace of Minos and represented the souls of sacrificed bulls. They are symbols of blood and fear and death, and, gateway or not, we're not going in.  

A Mycenaean death mask, modelled from gold and a picture of Stan Laurel.

A Cretan Snake Goddess. She looks angry. And deadly. Oh, and she's suffered a 'wardrobe malfunction' - a nip slip, in modern parlance, and she's going to kill you for noticing.

Another death mask, purported to be Agamemnon, i.e. Sean Connery in 'Time Bandits'.

Our records indicate that we do actually have a copy of 'Lost Worlds, Volume 1' in our archive but, embarrassingly, we can't find it.