PSYCHIC SASQUATCH

We’re all familiar with Bigfoot, arent we? Some of us have even been kidnapped by him and forced into degrading sexual acts over and over again. What you may not not have realised, however, is that Bigfoot is not just an elusive, shambling animal and smelly, insatiable sex machine but rather a sophisticated humanoid environmental activist with psychic abilities and a direct connection to extraterrestrials. They also have the ability to move between dimensions. No wonder they are so hard to catch. 

Don’t just take our word for it, however. Jack “Kewaunee” Lapseritis has been researching Bigfoot for almost sixty years and come to some very interesting conclusions, not least that Bigfoot is working on behalf of friendly aliens to prepare humankind for massive environmental changes that are going to fundamentally alter the way we live our lives from now on. Without wishing to cock a snook, we have to question how well that campaign is going. 

Anyway, Lapseritis has written several books about his reality, including the brilliantly titled ‘Psychic Sasquatch’. Again, some clarification to its veracity may be needed: 

 “Once in a while a book comes along of such magnitude that it brings about a new look at what exists out there besides ourselves. This book will certainly bring forth thought-provoking concepts to contribute to a positive human transformation.” 

Dick Robinson, Originator of “Grizzly Adams” 

So, there you go, skeptics, the Grizzly Adams guy likes it - and there's an afterword by a gentleman called Standing Elk if further proof were needed. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we have a psychic conference call with a hairy old flame in ten minutes.

HOMINID, SWEET HOMINID

So, here’s a book that promises the ‘true facts’ (are there any other kind?) about Giant Apemen on its front, then talks about ‘King Kong’s Ancestors’ on the back. It’s a shame, because it’s quite a thoughtful and considered bit of work.

The general argument for these hairy throwbacks is that the world is a strange and mysterious place, and there are strange and mysterious areas in which strange and mysterious creatures could live without ever being discovered. In fact, if these hairy hominids weren’t so bloody careless about planting their massive plates of meat all over the place, we’d probably not even suspect their existence.

Cacqueta.

Carnivorous.

Christ on a bike!

After all, new species are being ‘discovered’ all the time. In 2010, there was the Cacqueta Monkey, a tiny ginger bearded primate that purrs like a cat. Last year, after decades of speculation, the Carnivorous Olinguito, a sort of killer raccoon, finally made its way into the encyclopedia. There’s even a Yeti Crab, an unholy hybrid of crustacean and gonk which, ten years ago, didn’t even feature in zoologists' dreams.  

So - do TOMTIT believe in the Yeti, Sasquatch and other giant missing link species? Well, yeah, of course. It’s a strange and mysterious world, after all, and some of us (Fearlono) have a bit of a history with them.